Wednesday 30 March 2016

A (light hearted and) handy guide to privacy activists for the under 10s

Privacy activists in the olden days
There weren’t many privacy activists in the olden days. This was because there was no Internet, and very few people had heard of the Data Protection Commissioner. As it was expensive to make a telephone call, and texts had not yet been invented, it was quite hard to spread rumours and exchange information with lots of people you didn’t know. Only print journalists were usually able to do this, which is why the Sunday papers were often packed with stories about prostitutes and vicars. 

Journalists didn't bother about people’s privacy in the olden days.

Nowadays, privacy activists are bored with journalists because, on the whole, they behave themselves.

Nowadays privacy activists are bitter, but balanced, people. They have chips on both shoulders. Social media companies are a big disappointment to privacy activists.

Privacy activists now think that most people are:
a) Simple and easily led
b) Un-enlightened and susceptible to short-term pleasures
c) Terribly sad and struggling, unable to cope on their own
d) All of the above

Education is a life-long task
Privacy activists think that most people are unable to think for themselves and require life-long education to help them make informed decisions.

Privacy activists work tirelessly campaigning to encourage most people to be acutely aware when buying online, rather than in local shops. They are disappointed that most people like to exchange their privacy for “free stuff”.

Most people like to surf the Internet, watch pornography, have sex and book foreign holidays. They do not understand that these activities are dangerous and need continuous education from privacy activists.

Most people need to be protected from the internet, even though they don’t read behavioural targeted adverts. They are easily influenced and their happy-go-lucky ways can be turned into bigoted nasty ways. Privacy activists are needed to help them use Facebook carefully and not make mistakes.

Privacy activists like to be sad and unhappy
Many privacy activists have a very nice life, but they like to be sad. To help with this, they choose to be sad for other people. Sometimes these people are far away and sometimes they are nearby, but different to them.

In the olden days, privacy activists tried to make it better for other people. Nowadays, they like to protect them by being offended when a normal person doesn’t behave as the activist would like them to do.

Privacy activists like to help other people by being offended on their behalf. This means that the other people can carry on with their lives and the privacy activists do all the work. This isn’t really fair, but the privacy activists seem to carry on doing it, so they must enjoy it. Despite all this effort privacy activists are still very sad.

Privacy activists care more than other people
Privacy activists care so much that they hate most social media companies. And Google. Other people don’t really think about social media companies, they only care about themselves and other people that they know. This means that piracy activists have to hate the social media companies even more, even more than they actually hate Google.

Privacy activists show that they care by telling other people about how much they care. They send special “I care” signals to other people. Forwarding videos on Facebook is one way that they can show how much they care. The videos often show people far away who are living miserable lives, but links to poorly written privacy policies are also considered sufficient.

Privacy activists (see below) are very helpful. They make lots of “I object” videos which makes it quick and easy for other activists to send their “objections”. They do this several times throughout each day when they are not busy.

Sometimes privacy activists are made angry by other people
Privacy activists care so much, it makes them hate people who don’t show that they care. These people are normal people. Privacy activists have given them a name. It is “Corporate scum”. Privacy activists like to shout at the people and tell them that they are scum even when they aren’t listening.

Shouting at the staff at the Information Commissioner’s Office is another way to show that they care. Caring is very important to privacy activists.

Privacy activists care so deeply that they don’t have time for thinking and convincing. They use their precious time for shouting about caring.

Also, normal people don’t know what privacy activists are saying, so it is helpful when they point to the people and shout “scum”. They think that normal people do understand shouting and caring.

If you have observed someone and you are not sure if they are a privacy activist, seek their opinion on “the corporates”. If they start to shout and care, they are privacy activists.

Privacy activists are helpful
Privacy activists are people who have an encrypted internet connection. They make the internet very loud.

Privacy activists help other people care on the internet. They are very helpful in pointing out when people have forgotten to show that they care. They help people in many ways – watching videos, commenting on things and clicking on buttons called “start a petition”. Privacy activists sometimes go outside their houses and meet other privacy activists and they care together and shout at the corporate scum.

Privacy activists are funny
Privacy activists have “enlightened comedians” who make jokes on “panel games” and tweet a lot. These are broadcast on the television, BBC Radio 4, and Twitter.

The enlightened comedians make people laugh at normal people, whom they consider stupid. In the olden days, comedians made jokes about Irish people, but these comedians weren’t clever like the enlightened comedians.

Instead of the Irish people, the enlightened comedians make jokes about Facebook. Because they care, they use special words like “Privacy Policies”, “Trans border data flows” and “Privacy Shield”, so the normal people will not notice.

Normal people do funny things like posting selfies on the Internet, eating Haribos and watching television. This is funny and the enlightened comedians are helpful because they point at them and laugh, so we know who to laugh at as well. It is very funny and we all laugh because we are enlightened too.

Further reading
Any tweet by @tim2040 should be enough to put you off your dinner.

I am deeply indebted to Andy Shaw, whose recent article on a handy guide to Left-wing people for the under 10s prompted me to lovingly plagiarize his work. I do hope he won’t be offended.