Privacy activists in the olden days
There weren’t many privacy activists in the olden days. This was
because there was no Internet, and very few people had heard of the Data
Protection Commissioner. As it was expensive to make a telephone call, and
texts had not yet been invented, it was quite hard to spread rumours and
exchange information with lots of people you didn’t know. Only print
journalists were usually able to do this, which is why the Sunday papers were
often packed with stories about prostitutes and vicars.
Journalists didn't bother about people’s privacy in the olden
days.
Nowadays
Nowadays, privacy activists are bored with journalists because,
on the whole, they behave themselves.
Nowadays privacy activists are bitter, but balanced, people. They
have chips on both shoulders. Social media companies are a big disappointment
to privacy activists.
Privacy activists now think that most people are:
a) Simple and easily led
b) Un-enlightened and susceptible to short-term pleasures
c) Terribly sad and struggling, unable to cope on their own
d) All of the above
Education is a life-long task
Privacy activists think that most people are unable to think for
themselves and require life-long education to help them make informed
decisions.
Privacy activists work tirelessly campaigning to
encourage most people to be acutely aware when buying online, rather than in
local shops. They are disappointed that most people like to exchange their
privacy for “free stuff”.
Most people like to surf the Internet, watch pornography, have
sex and book foreign holidays. They do not understand that these activities are
dangerous and need continuous education from privacy activists.
Most people need to be protected from the internet, even though
they don’t read behavioural targeted adverts. They are easily influenced and
their happy-go-lucky ways can be turned into bigoted nasty ways. Privacy
activists are needed to help them use Facebook carefully and not make mistakes.
Privacy activists like to be sad and unhappy
Many privacy activists have a very nice life, but they like to
be sad. To help with this, they choose to be sad for other people. Sometimes
these people are far away and sometimes they are nearby, but different to them.
In the olden days, privacy activists tried to make it better for
other people. Nowadays, they like to protect them by being offended when a normal
person doesn’t behave as the activist would like them to do.
Privacy activists like to help other people by being offended on
their behalf. This means that the other people can carry on with their lives
and the privacy activists do all the work. This isn’t really fair, but the privacy
activists seem to carry on doing it, so they must enjoy it. Despite all this
effort privacy activists are still very sad.
Privacy activists care more than other people
Privacy activists care so much that they hate most social media
companies. And Google. Other people don’t really think about social media
companies, they only care about themselves and other people that they know.
This means that piracy activists have to hate the social media companies even
more, even more than they actually hate Google.
Privacy activists show that they care by telling other people
about how much they care. They send special “I care” signals to other people.
Forwarding videos on Facebook is one way that they can show how much they care.
The videos often show people far away who are living miserable lives, but links
to poorly written privacy policies are also considered sufficient.
Privacy activists (see below) are very helpful. They make lots
of “I object” videos which makes it quick and easy for other activists to send
their “objections”. They do this several times throughout each day when they
are not busy.
Sometimes privacy activists are made angry by other people
Privacy activists care so much, it makes them hate people who
don’t show that they care. These people are normal people. Privacy activists
have given them a name. It is “Corporate scum”. Privacy activists like to shout
at the people and tell them that they are scum even when they aren’t listening.
Shouting at the staff at the Information Commissioner’s Office
is another way to show that they care. Caring is very important to privacy
activists.
Privacy activists care so deeply that they don’t have time for
thinking and convincing. They use their precious time for shouting about
caring.
Also, normal people don’t know what privacy activists are
saying, so it is helpful when they point to the people and shout “scum”. They
think that normal people do understand shouting and caring.
If you have observed someone and you are not sure if they are a
privacy activist, seek their opinion on “the corporates”. If they start to shout
and care, they are privacy activists.
Privacy activists are helpful
Privacy activists are people who have an encrypted internet
connection. They make the internet very loud.
Privacy activists help other people care on the internet. They
are very helpful in pointing out when people have forgotten to show that they
care. They help people in many ways – watching videos, commenting on things and
clicking on buttons called “start a petition”. Privacy activists sometimes go
outside their houses and meet other privacy activists and they care together
and shout at the corporate scum.
Privacy activists are funny
Privacy activists have “enlightened comedians” who make jokes on
“panel games” and tweet a lot. These are broadcast on the television, BBC Radio
4, and Twitter.
The enlightened comedians make people laugh at normal people,
whom they consider stupid. In the olden days, comedians made jokes about Irish
people, but these comedians weren’t clever like the enlightened comedians.
Instead of the Irish people, the enlightened comedians make
jokes about Facebook. Because they care, they use special words like “Privacy
Policies”, “Trans border data flows” and “Privacy Shield”, so the normal people
will not notice.
Normal people do funny things like posting selfies on the
Internet, eating Haribos and watching television. This is funny and the
enlightened comedians are helpful because they point at them and laugh, so we
know who to laugh at as well. It is very funny and we all laugh because we are
enlightened too.
Further reading
Any tweet by @tim2040 should be enough to put you off your
dinner.
Credits:
I am deeply indebted to Andy Shaw, whose recent article on a
handy guide to Left-wing people for the under 10s prompted me to lovingly
plagiarize his work. I do hope he won’t be offended.
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